Regards
by Magical Butts
Summary: There's been a misunderstanding. For the QLFC.


**Written for QLFC Season 5, Final Round 2**

 **Team:** Wigtown Wanderers

 **Position:** Beater 1

 **Position Prompt:** Q: Quirinus Quirrell, Quality Quidditch Supplies, Quintaped, Quill

 **Additional Prompts:**

5\. (dialogue) "What are you doing here?"

12\. (sound) gasp

 **Word Count:**

 **Beta(s):** AyaDiefair, RawMateriel

* * *

To Whom it May Concern,

I am writing to inform you that I was in Quality Quidditch Supplies just yesterday and it was the worst experience of my life, I have written to the community bulletin board and I will not be returning. The man wearing a Quintaped as a scarf made my son cry. He's still crying now, if he cries much more I will be forced to disown. Please keep this riffraff out of your place of business in future.

Regards,

Lucius Malfoy.

* * *

To The Proprietor of Quality Quidditch Supplies,

I am confident that I am not the first to write in to complain about the man wearing a Quintaped as a scarf, as I have seen a beautifully quilled complaint on the community bulletin board outside of the Leaky Cauldron. Still, in spite of this, I must have my say. It was really shocking and unfashionable. Quintapeds are no longer in style as of last years November catalogue. I was horrified to see someone so unstylish openly buying Quidditch supplies. Please utilise your right to deny service to incredibly unfashionable customers in the future, for all of our sakes. The sound of the other consumers in the store gasping should speak for itself, particularly since they risked inhaling the creatures toxic and untrendy fumes.

Yours sincerely,

Luna Lovegood.

* * *

Dear Mr. Quidditch Supply Store Owner,

My name is Draco Malfoy and earlier this week you received a message from my father detailing how I had been blubbing in your shop. Well I wasn't, and if I was, It's not my fault because there was a monster in the shop wrapped around a person's neck and did you see it? Did you _smell_ it? It was really awful, and for a wizard at the tender age of twenty-six, it's really not so surprising that one might need to shed a few tears to recover from the shock of witnessing such a thing. Anyway, please take my Father's letter out of your shop window. I know that the quality of his quillmanship is to die for, but I'm telling you, it's not true.

I had something in my eye, probably noxious Quintaped gas.

You'll be paying my bill if I have to go to Mungos and purchase new eyes.

Yours with the greatest dignity,

Draco Malfoy.

* * *

Dear Oliver,

Merlin above, this must be the publicity stunt of the century. I haven't seen so many people coming by a Quidditch Supply Store since they released the first Clean Sweep. People are dying to get a look at this Quintaped I've heard so much about, heck even I am myself at this point. I walked into the shop earlier and a witch turned to me and said "What are you doing here?"

I explained I'd come in to buy Quidditch supplies but she saw this letter in my hand. "Nice try," she said, "but if you want to lodge a complaint you'd better head for the back of the queue."

How did you do it! Your spark for business never ceases to amaze me.

Even if many of your customers did scream when they saw me, they must've mistaken me for your friend with the scarf.

Your well meaning adversary,

Quirinus Quirrell.

* * *

Dear Mr. Quidditch Supply Store Owner,

I don't know how you've done it, but Quintaped scarves are back in fashion! My father has a publication called _The Quibbler_ and he's been tracking the progress of the Quintaped story very closely trying to understand why it has been so groundbreaking in the London magical community. What it was about that day that caused such uproar and such adulation. Well we may never know, but your stock is flying up! Pun intended!

Best,

Luna.

* * *

Dear Mr. Wood,

It has come to the Ministry's attention that you have received a letter from a wanted co-operative of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named who was believed to be dead until the early hours of this morning. The news of the highly unfashionable beast which was witnessed in your store is already under investigation but you go to far sir when you fraternise with known criminals who are supposed to be dead.

Please attend the Ministry's fourth floor at your earliest convenience for questioning.

Regards,

Percy Weasley.

* * *

Dear Mr. Wood,

I am writing to you to concede a point I made in my previous letter, it seems that the Quintaped as an accessory has returned to style in a shocking twist. I retract my statement about them being unfashionable.

Regards,

Percy Weasley.

* * *

Dear Mr. Wood,

It has come to our attentions that the letter from the previously mentioned assailant was in fact a private joke between you and another proprietor in Diagon Alley. It was also brought to my attention that it was in poor taste. Shame on you sir, honestly. You're a business owner.

Show some maturity.

Regards,

Percy Weasley.

* * *

To Whom it May Concern,

Writing as a formality to enquire if there is any truth to the rumour of the Quintaped eating several red-headed children in hand-me-down clothes?

If there is, might I be the first to say: bravo.

Don't go showing this to your friends down at the Ministry now, we have an understanding.

Best,

Lucius Malfoy.

* * *

Dear Oliver,

I heard about the trouble with the Ministry following our little name game. That Weasley is just bitter because of those children that got eaten, but what were they thinking trying to pet a Quintaped? Everyone knows being petted makes them hungry. That's one of the reasons they're so cool. Quintapeds are so in right now.

Sorry again,

Lee.

* * *

Dear Mr. Wood,

It has reached the Ministry that you were witness to the deaths of several children on your premises which you failed to report. Need I remind you that this is a crime?

Please report to the Ministry immediately!

Take care,

Percy Weasley.

* * *

Dear Mr. Weasley,

I would like to report that a small fox ran into my shop two weeks ago and ate two oranges. I'm sorry that these rumours have gotten so out of hand and that it has brought man-eating Quintapeds back into fashion.

There was no such creature in my shop. Ever. Although the fox did startle Draco Malfoy and he cried like a wee baby.

Sorry,

Oliver Wood.


End file.
